Evil Ed (1997)

"When his mind blowsÖ Anything goes!"

Reviewed by Mant

Director Andreas Jacobson
Stars Johan Rudebeck, Jim Friedman (II) (voice), Per LŲfberg, John Thelin (voice)

BMM Keywords: Dull, So bad its total bollocks.

    Ed (Rudebeck/Freidman) is transferred to the splatter and gore department (yes thatís what itís called in the film) from the arty-farty foreign films (OK, that one I made up) one. The previous editor blew his head off with a hand grenade, and the company has a big European distribution deal to make. Over in Europe film censorship is harsher, so the films need to be quickly made ready, and the X rated stuff cut, although Beaver rape is apparently OK.
    Ed sees too many bad movies (Iím starting to know how he feelsÖ) and snaps, literally in the case of his scummy bossí neck. Then two heavy metal burglars get it, he beats up Nick (LŲfberg/ Thelin), the film delivery boy, and he chases his wife around for a bit before she shoots him.
    He is carted off to hospital, but gets loose. Nick is being treated there and Ed makes off with his girlfriend. Security callsÖ well Iím not sure who, but they have black uniforms, Uzis and a shotgun. Ed kills them all, and then gets shot to pieces, again literally, by Nick. Who ends with a terrible voice-over monologue.

What's wrong with it?

    Itís an appallingly acted, cheaply made horror flick, that doesnít actually have much gore - bar a couple of scenes - anybody you care about, any horror or scares or any suspense. Its obviously not taking itself seriously, and trying to be funny, but in an ďOh, I see, this bit's supposed to be funnyĒ way, as opposed to the more successful being funny way.

What's right with it?

    The Ed going mad sequence isnít bad. Indeed, the what Ed sees bits remain the best part of the movie. Very occasionally the humour actually manages to hit the spot and raise a slight smile.

How bad is it really?

    Very poor, made worse by repeatedly almost being funny, but falling at the last yard.

Best bit?

    Edís going mad sequence where he thinks he is in a horror movie and sees people as monsters.

What's up with...?

Ratings:

Production values: Pretty cheap, but the people doing the fx know how to make the most of it. The monster make up for Edís visions are pretty good, as are the few times we actually see blood fly, as opposed to the movies in the movie. Itís lit and shot OK, even in the chasing people around in the dark bits you can see what is going on. 8

Dialogue and performances: Stink-tacular. Absolutely and positively the worst Iíve seen, and not in a hammy over the top but entertaining way, oh no, but a ďwe cannot act at all to save our livesĒ way. Sure, The actors a Swedish, with American voices recorded over but thatís just a reason its crappy, it doesnít make it less painful, or get points off for it.19

Plot and execution: Ed watch movies, Ed go mad. Movie bad, tree pretty. 18

Randomness: Well you can follow it all. The heavily armed burglars are pretty random, as are the armed guys at the hospital. I guess they just liked running around with guns. 10

Waste of potential: Its frequently, frustratingly close to being a funny, post-modern, horror movie send up. Instead though, itís a big pile of poo. 17

Overall: 72%

*

Naked Killer (1992)

"There Are Two Things On Their Minds... One's Killing!"

Reviewed by Mant

Director Clarence Fok Yiu-leung
Stars Chingmy Yau, Wai Yiu, Simon Yam, Carrie Ng

BMM Keywords: Unintentionally hilarious, Gratuitous lesbians

    Warning, this whole review is based on watching the very badly subtitled video version. This may result in some confusion for the reader, it certainly did for the reviewer. There may be version out there that make more sense.
    Kitty is a beautiful young woman who knows Kung Fu, and kills men by breaking their limbs and mutilating their genitals, for no readily explained reason. Nice.
    After mainiming a scumbag (it means the same thing as bastard apparently, but cops donít know the word. Or something. Blame the subtitles) in the hairdressers, she runs into Tinam, a CID officer investigating the killings with his partner, Shit-head (I warned you about the subtitles, didnít I?). Tinam vomits when he sees a gun, ever since he shot his brother by accident, yet still carries one. Anyway, he lets her go after having a chat, and she turns up at the police station claiming he is a hero who saved her from being raped. They go on a date.
    Her step-motherís lover, Bee, kills her father, she goes after him and kills him. For some reason everyone in the office where he works is packing heat, and chases her. Fortunately Sister Cindy, a professional killer is there with her exploding hats, and saves Kitty. She is so impressed with Kitty she decides to train her as a student, a make a new identity for her, Vivian.
    They kill a Japanese person (presumably a crook of some kind, but never clarified)., Tinam and poopy-head are given the case, and go to interview the last person to see the person alive, Vivian, who Tinam recognises. Vivian denies being Kitty, but flirts a lot with him. Meanwhile the Japanese (all of them apparently) are angry, and hire lesbian assassin and former student of Sister Cindy, Princess and her bitch Baby to take out Cindy and Kitty. Princess gets a thing for Kitty, while Tinam tries to help her. Cue lots of kissing, shagging and fighting. In the end, everybody dies (what? Itís a Hong Kong movie, what do you expect? A happy ending?).

What's wrong with it?

    The subtitles. For example, Princess to Kitty, after giving her a ring ďIf I see anything that look good in you, I buy it buy all means!Ē A Freudian slip or genuine mistake? Still even through the foreign language you can see this is no Shakespeare, and has a lot of the low grade weirdness common to a certain breed of Hong Kong action movie. Itís also pretty damn exploitative; lesbian assassins copping of in the pool after a hit?

What's right with it?

    Itís Kung Fu is strong. Well, pretty decent at any rate. The fight scenes are well worth watching if you like slightly over the top (As opposed to wire-work) marital arts and gun fu action.

How bad is it really?

    Itís certainly silly, but good fun if you are in the right mood.

Best bit?

    The fight in the car park, with Beeís office mates chasing Kitty, Cindyís exploding hat and quick-get-out-of outfit, jumping, shooting, cars crashing. Itís a great action scene.

What's up with...?

Ratings:

Production values: For the most part pretty good, although during some of the fights its hard to tell which beautiful female assassin is which. 5

Dialogue and performances: The dialogue for the subtitled version is total bollocks. Its harder to tell the performances with that, but I can spot ham when I see it, and there is some port going around here, particularly Princessís big scene at Cindyís house. 16

Plot and execution: An excuse for the fights and the shagging, definitely. 18

Randomness: No big jumps, just things like exploding hats, everyone at Beeís office packing heat, rapists in the cellar and so on. It's all clearly there to either move the plot on, or be cool, but its still kinda random. 7

Waste of potential: Well, as Kung Fu films about a pair lesbian assassins going after a pair of straight ones go, itís the business. 2

Overall: 48%

*

The Unholy (1998)

"TonightÖ Evil goes over the edge. You Haven't Got A Prayer "

Reviewed by Mant

Director Camilo Vila
Stars Ben Cross, Hal Halbrook, Ned Beatty, Trevor Howard

BMM Keywords: Unintentionally hilarious, Crappy rubber monster

    The evil demon, known as the Unholy, or in Latin Daisy Daryus (it's probably spelt differently, Dei Sidarious or something, but thatís how the old guy pronounces it) turns up between Ash Wednesday and Easter day looking for pure people to tempt and send to hell. Daisy (I feel after enduring with a great hardship with someone it's OK to use their first name, and boy that movie was a hardship) is a New Romantic chick in a gauze body suit who likes ripping priest's throats out at the altar after snogging them, sending their souls to hell from where they make crank calls to the people going to get it next.
    Father John Michael (Cross) is action priest! Cops let him past barricades and medics let him talk to injured people, Ďcos he's a priest see? When the cops call him to talk down a jumper, Claude (Peter Frechette), on the 17th floor, the guy does a brief flash of demon and pulls him off. Miraculously he survives the fall unharmed, and Archbishop Mosely (Holbrook) and the old blind Father Sillva (Howard) send him off to the church where Daisy did in the last two because he is the chosen one.
    He soon runs into Millie, a girl who the last priest saw before he died, who works at the apparently faux black magic club run by Luc, that does magic tricks that look like human sacrifices. Millie and Luc keep coming to Michael with conflicting stories, Millie claims he is the devil, Luc says the whole black magic thing is a show, but he lets people do rituals in the club and thinks something real has been raised.
    Molsey and Silva tell him he has been chosen to fight the devil, and he is plagued by bad dreams. Millie attacks Luc, ends up in a mental institution, then runs away and asks for sanctuary in the church. A big ass book, or even tome, shows up in her room with a potted history of Lucifer, Daisy and how innocents are chosen as victims. So she tries to get Michael to sleep with her.
    Then Luc shows up nailed upside above the alter, Claude, the guy who pitched Father Mike off of the building, shows up and asks for his forgiveness, blames dark forces, says he is no longer afraid, and had his insides get outside in front of a dumbstruck Father Michael. Now believing, Michael goes to the church for a showdown with evil, resisting the temptation, Daisy is shown to really be one of the worst rubber monsters in the history of cinema, but wait, special Easter offer, get one crappy rubber monster and with two miniature versions free! Mini-Daisys nail Michael to the altar, while the big one menaces Millie, who interrupted her sending the Father to hell by forcing him to eat some of Daisyís flesh.
    Michael calls upon God, pulls his hands off the nails (ouch), rises off the floor in golden light, and sends rubber-Daisy back to hell. Oh, and now he is blind just like Father Silva, clever eh?

What's wrong with it?

    It plods through most of the film in a pretty dull fashion with a bunch of unlikable characters, played with maximum cellulose, then turns into an example of how not to do Ďspecialí effects.

What's right with it?

    The final showdown between the priest and the demon had me laughing, sure it wasnít meant to be funny, but you take your laughs where you can get them.

How bad is it really?

    Itís a stinker.

Best bit (if such there is)?

    As mentioned, the end is a giggle. Mosley telling Michael his miraculous survival has been covered up by the church, since ďThe Holy Father doesnít approve of miraclesĒ is kinda cute too.

What's up with...?

Ratings:

Production values: Itís all going fairly well until the big reveal, when the monster is.. a giant Muppet. Daisy the New Romantic is scarier than that. 15

Dialogue and performances: Halbrook, Howard and Beatty are OK in support, but the leads are all plank. Cross is particularly awful; he never acts like a priest, threatening to break peopleís arms and being all maverick cop-like. His high(?)light is seeing Claude die a horrible death, Lucís body spontaneously combust, and looking constipated. Then he falls to his knees, in full ham mode, and yells to the heavens ďGod, what do you want me to do!Ē. 16

Plot and execution: Too much time is wasted on the Luc and Millie show, OK, itís being all red-herringy but it just drags out already dull stuff. Lt Stern (Beatty) is pretty pointless too he does a lot of worrying, but not even in a comic relief type way. The basics are OK though, just lousy execution. 8

Randomness: Not too much, it basically sticks with the New Romantic temptress demon thing. Lucís behavior is pretty random, going from asking Michael for help and threatening him, the weird Exorcist bit never gets explained, and whatís the deal with psychic Jamaican woman anyway? 10

Waste of potential: The back of the video box compares this film to The Exorcist, and The Omen, two films that show how good religious horror (as it were) can be. This film isnít worth of being mentioned in the same breath. The fact that the basics of the plot are OK ups the score here. 17

Overall: 67%